


For it is Our Choices

by HermioneHotchner1



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: First War with Voldemort, Lily Evans Potter & Severus Snape Friendship, Marauders' Era, POV Severus Snape, Pregnant Lily Evans Potter, Young Severus Snape
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-09
Updated: 2018-09-02
Packaged: 2019-02-12 15:28:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12962436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HermioneHotchner1/pseuds/HermioneHotchner1
Summary: We all make choices, but in the end, it's our choices that make us. Now a young man, Severus Snape is forced to face who he's become and the choices he's made. Can he leave the darkness, or is it too late for him to be saved?





	1. The Hog's Head

The young man could make out the sound of heels thudding and creaking against the floorboards. Clearly, a woman had just entered the Hog's Head. Perfect. Just what he was waiting for. Severus Snape - for that was his name - noted the sound of jangling beads which told him that the aforementioned woman was wearing quite the assortment of bracelets and other jewellery. He waited silently as the woman strode across the bar into his parameter of vision, and he recognised the form as she clunked and stumbled across the room and ascended the staircase. She quickly disappeared from view.

Severus quickly, and silently, got up from his seat. He then proceeded to follow the silly woman, still under the Disillusionment charm. However, his feet creaked on the wooden floorboards, and he looked about helter-skelter for a sign of the barkeep. He relaxed marginally as he discerned that the barman was currently concentrating with all of his might on a blackened something that was stuck to the bar table. Disgusting. As the aforementioned young man arrived at the stairwell, he glanced upwards and saw the door at the top of the stars close with a snap. He crept up the stairs, moving as quietly as possible, and finally settled in a small heap at the foot of the door. He found a scrap of parchment within the depths of his robes, crumpled it into a ball and threw it lightly at the door. It hit the wooden surface and fell with a sound of wrinkling paper: the door was not charmed. They had gotten a private room, but hadn't warded the door.  _Dunderheads._

At last, Severus pressed his ear to the door and listened with all of his might.

"Good evening, Professor Dumbledore," a dazed feminine voice said. Severus had to guess the woman was slightly drunk.

"Good evening to yourself as well, Sybill," Severus heard his former headmaster's familiar voice sound. "Might I offer you a drink?"

Severus rolled his eyes – Dumbledore was probably the only man on earth who still possessed ridiculously old-fashioned manners. He had probably risen and bowed upon her entrance, too.

"Why, thank you, Professor Dumbledore," Trelawney responded graciously, and Severus heard the sound of a chair sliding across the floor followed by the sound of a body sitting down. Glasses clinked from within the room, and Severus heard the distinguishable sound of liquids being pouring.

"To your health, my dear," Dumbledore said. There was a temporary silence as the two drained their glasses. He waited impatiently for the cordial introductory scene to pass.

"Now then," Dumbledore said, breaking the momentary silence. "I feel we should get on with the application process, seeing as we both already know why we are here. Shall we begin?"

Sybill must have nodded because Dumbledore only continued to speak. "Do tell me a bit about yourself."

Severus' thoughts were filled with the background noise of the interview, as he half-heartedly listened to Dumbledore ask Trelawney about her past, what she did after leaving Hogwarts, why she wanted to teach, and how long she had been a Seer.

"I have been a Seer from birth," Trelawney said indignantly. "It is a gift, Dumbledore; not something that just any witch or wizard can learn." Although said by way of explanation, there was a clear sense of arrogant, stubborn, superiority in her tone.

"I see. You are related to Cassandra Trelawney, yes?"

"Why certainly, Professor Dumbledore," she said. "She was my great-great Grandmother."

"And you are the first in your family since Cassandra to be possessed of the Second Sight?"

"Indeed, you will often find these things will skip a few generations and then reappear."

"Well, yes," said Dumbledore. "Have you put thought into how you would actually teach such a difficult skill?"

"As I said, Dumbledore, I can only guide the students," came Trelawney's voice. "If they do not possess the sight, I am afraid there is little I can do."

"I understand. I'm not too sure we are in need of your, ah, 'gift', at this point in time my dear Sybil," Dumbledore said. "I do, however, thank you for your time." Severus then heard the wizened wizard rising to his feet: the interview was over. Severus' heart sank slightly – he had failed the Dark Lord. when he reported to the Dark Lord with no information...

One did not displease the Dark Lord. If you did, it was once and only once. Punishments were administered swiftly and justly.

Failure, no matter how small, was not tolerated.

Then suddenly, out of nowhere a strong, echoing voice boomed out from the room, filling the entire bar with volume. Severus retreated in a crawl, away from the source of the noise.

**"THE ONE WITH THE POWER TO VANQUISH THE DARK LORD APPROACHES. BORN TO THOSE WHO HAVE THRICE DEFIED HIM..."**

Severus paled as he realised he was hearing a prophecy. His body became frantic, as he scrambled back to his spot at the door, pressing his ear firmly against it even though the action was quite unnecessary. His heart raced with excitement. There were plenty of families in the opposing Order of the Phoenix who had thrice faced Lord Voldemort and escaped – the Longbottoms, the McKinnons, the Potters...

**"BORN AS THE SEVENTH MONTH DIES..." the prophecy continued.**

Severus felt his mouth drop open in horror. He couldn't recall any of them being born in the summer, and he knew full well that Lily was born in the winter, but, what about children? Severus' brain desperately grasped at bits and piece of information that he had heard about the Order members over the years. Not much. Nobody particularly cared for his... well, he didn't talk to many people. Somewhere in all that chaos, Severus had a rather unpleasant thought.  _Lily_. She couldn't be that stupid, could she? Having a child in the middle of a war while being part of the Order. She was in no position....

His throat tightened.

It had been a long time since they'd talked. A long time since he'd ruined everything with her.

_Severus fell into a crumpled heap on the ground. Disentangling himself from his robes he got quickly to his feet, wand up, but Black said, "Petrificus Totalus!" and Severus keeled over again, rigid as a board._

_"LEAVE HIM ALONE!" Lily shouted. She had her own wand out now. Potter and Sirius Black eyed it warily._

_"Ah, Evans, don't make me hex you,' said James Potter earnestly._

_"Take the curse off him, then!" she demanded._

_Potter sighed deeply, then turned to Severus and muttered the counter-curse._

_There you go,' he said, as Severus struggled to his feet. "You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus—"_

_"I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!" Severus replied, immediately regretting the words that had come out of his mouth._

_Lily blinked._

_"Fine," she said coolly. "I won't bother in future. And I'd wash your pants if I were you, Snivellus."_

He had tried to apologise after that but it was for nought.  _"I can't pretend anymore. You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine."_

He strained to hear the rest of the prophecy.

But Severus could not hear the rest of the prophecy. He felt his Disillusionment charm being lifted as the feeling of water trickling over him occurred yet again, and suddenly there was a grubby, furious hand at his collar, dragging him down the stairs. He bit back the pain as his backside consistently collided with the hard staircase as he slid further and further away from his mission.

The world seemed to be sliding away from him as he continued to be dragged away from the prophecy. His mind was a whirl – it could not be, he simply refused to believe that the prophecy applied to the Potters because if the Potters were the answer, it surely meant a death sentence for his former childhood friend. Nothing else mattered in the world anymore – not the fact that he was about to be thrown out in the thunderous rain, nor the fact that the Dark Lord might actually punish him for failing to retrieve the entirety of the prophecy. All that existed was the fact that Lily Evans was in danger.

He managed to pull himself together somewhat, and started going off about his having come the wrong way up the stairs, but it was evident that the barman, nor Dumbledore, believed him.

At last, Severus felt himself being thrown backwards - out into the rain. He landed with a sickening splash into a large puddle of sludge-water, and he groaned as he rose slowly to his feet.

"And bloody well stay out!" the barman yelled from the foot of the door in a rather gruff voice. Severus watched angrily as the barman wiped his hands on his apron and re-entered the small inn. He stood for a moment with the water pouring down around him, allowing his heavy breathing to subside, and his black, slick hair to hang straight and heavy over his face as he became wetter and wetter.

He began to turn on the spot, prepared to apparate, but a nagging sensation held him back. He had a choice – for the first time in his life, he had a real choice to make. He could report to the Dark Lord and put Lily's life at risk. Or, he could defy his master, thereby forcing himself to go into hiding for the rest of his life at the expense of Lily's safety.

The choices were daunting; one benefit equally matching the other. Severus put his face in his hands and let out a small roar of frustration, kicking the puddle he continued to stand in. Surely, Lily mattered above all else and so surely, he must not tell the Dark Lord what he had heard. But what if he were caught? He'd be killed  _and_  forced to convey the prophecy. Perhaps if he faced the Dark Lord with the information he'd be able to bargain for Lily's life? It seemed reasonable enough. But... could he trust the Dark Lord to hold to the promise if given? Would He see it as disloyalty?

And Lily...

But, the Dark Lord might spare her...

Severus took a deep breath, realising for the first time that he was trembling.

_You know what you have to do. Do it._

With that, he spun on the spot and began to apparate.

"You bloody coward," he felt his insides scream as he finally took his leave. "Coward! Coward! Coward!"

Even the rain pouring down all around him couldn't conceal the tears that were now streaming down his face.


	2. Two Roads

Severus didn't like the man. He had admired him, in a way, but he didn't like him. He didn't hide the fact he had come from nothing. That he had, and was, making something from himself. Something that Severus deeply craved to do.

But then there was the way the Dark Lord spoke, the way his eyes flitted carefully to the faces of Death Eaters, and the way how he always kept his hands out of sight under his cloak all reminded him a little too much of himself. Voldemort did not trust any of them, not unlike Severus. Severus had never trusted anyone much. Except for Lily, in any case.

_He was in a small thicket of trees. There was a sunlit river glittering through their trunks. The shadows cast by the trees made a basin of cool green shade. He and Lily were facing each other, cross-legged on the ground. Snape had removed his coat now; his odd smock looked less peculiar in the half-light._

_"..._ _an the Ministry can punish us if we do magic outside school; they send letters."_

_"But I have done magic outside school!"_

_"We're all right. We haven't got wands yet. They let yee off when you're a kid an aren't able te help it. But once you're eleven," he nodded importantly, "and they start training yee, then you've got te be careful."_

_There was a little silence. Lily had picked up a fallen twig and twirled it in the air, and Severus knew that she was imagining sparks trailing from it. Then she dropped the twig, leaned in toward the boy, and said,_ _"It is real, isn't it? It's not a joke? Petunia says you're lying te me. Petunia says there isn't a Hogwarts. It is real, isn't it?"_

_"It's real fre us," he said. "Not fre her. But we'll get the letter, yee an me."_

_"Really?" whispered Lily._

_"Definitely," said Severus, and even with his poorly cut hair and his odd clothes, Lily thought he struck an oddly impressive figure sprawled in front of her, brimful of confidence in his destiny._

_"And will it really come by owl?" Lily whispered._

_"Normally," he said. "But you're Muggle-born, so someone frem the school will have te come an explain te yer parents."_

_"Does it make a difference, bein Muggle-born?"_

_He hesitated. His black eyes, eager in the greenish gloom, moved over the pale face, the dark red hair._

_"No," he said. "It doesn't make any difference."_

_"Good," said Lily, relaxing. It was clear that she had been worrying._

_"You've got loads of magic," Severus said after a moment. "I saw it. All the time I was watching yee."_

_His voice trailed away; she was not listening, but had stretched out on the leafy ground and was looking up at the canopy of leaves overhead. He watched her as intently as he had watched her in the playground when he'd introduced himself._

_"How are things at yer house?" Lily asked._

_A little crease appeared between his eyes._

_"Fine," he said._

_"They're not arguing anymore?"_

_"Aye, they're arguing," he said. He picked up a fistful of leaves and began tearing them apart, apparently unaware of what he was doing. "But it won't be too long and I'll be gone."_

_"Doesn't yer da like magic?"_

_"He doesn't like nothin much," he said._

_"Severus?"_

_A little smile twisted his mouth when she said his name._

Severus sighed, pulling himself out of his musings. That friendship had long come to an end. Seemingly, irreparably. Did the Dark Lord even care for any of them? Stupid question.

Now he was here to meet with his Master.

"Severus," came a low hiss.

"My Lord," he said, giving a small bow of the head. The Dark Lord nodded in approval.

"Do you have the information I desire, Severus?" his master said dangerously. He obviously sensed the unease Severus was feeling, despite Severus' best attempts at concealing it. Lily had  _always_  been able to undo him at the seems.

This was the moment of truth. Should he say something?

You know what to do.  _Coward_.

Making up his mind, Severus took a deep breath, He locked his Occlumency shields into place.

"My Lord, I regret it, but..."

The anger flaring in his master's eyes made Severus want to take several steps back, or preferably run from the room altogether. Yes, he was definitely about to be punished. Potter better be damn grateful, the arrogant fool.

"Have you failed me, Severus?" the Dark Lord said in a low, dangerous, tone.

"My Lord, there was nothing of consequence tonight," said Severus, thinking quickly. "Dumbledore merely had a job interview. That is all. It wasn't even all that eventful. I have a feeling the interview was more out of pity than anything. The Muggle-loving fool didn't seem remotely interested in the interview and swiftly ended it. The woman in question did not receive the job. Dumbledore told her he wasn't sure they were in need of her 'talents.'

"Who is this woman?" the Dark Lord demanded.

"Some mad woman," he said. "She was even more eccentric than Dumbledore as far as dress went. She just kept rambling on about nothing."

"What position was she applying for?"

"Divination," he said, lips curling upwards. "She used tarot cards to predict Dumbledore's dark future."

The Dark Lord seemed slightly amused at that. Good.

"Is that so?"

"Yes, my Lord," said Severus. "Although, I do not believe that Dumbledore particularly appreciated that. He seemed to think her spewing nonsense, and merely humoured her for a brief interlude."

"No, I don't think he would. Anything else, Severus?"

"Nothing of consequence, my Lord," he replied quickly.

"That is for me to decide. You  _will_  remember that."

"Yes, my Lord. I beg your forgiveness."

Suddenly, the Dark Lord had pushed his way into Severus' mind. Severus forced himself to breathe and not to panic. He quickly focused on the events of the night, and what he'd told his master. He struggled to hide the prophecy from view, purposely letting him see the rest of the interview and him apparating away, as his master used more and more force.

After several moments, the Dark Lord pulled out.

The Dark Lord nodded, seemingly satisfied for the moment. "You will do better next time." It came out in a hiss.

"Yes, my Lord."

_"Crucio!"_

And the pain hit.

Several hours later, he stood on a hilltop, forlorn and cold in the darkness. The wind was whistling through the branches of a few leafless trees. Severus was panting, turning on the spot, his wand gripped tightly in his hand, waiting for company. His fear was palpable. There were so many ways that the upcoming conversation could go wrong. And if his master ever found out he was here... Tonight would look like child's play to what would happen to him then. Then a blinding, jagged jet of white light flew through the air. Severus immediately dropped to his knees as his wand flew out of his hand.

"Don't kill me!"

"That was not my intention."

Any sound of Dumbledore apparating in had been drowned out by the sound of the wind in the branches. He stood before Severus with his robes whipping around him, and his face was illuminated from below in the light cast by his wand.

"Well, Severus? What message does Lord Voldemort have for me?"

"No, no message," he stammered. "I - I'm here on my own account!"

Severus was wringing his hands. He looked a little mad, with his straggling black hair flying around him.

"I - I come with a warning. No, a request... please..."

Dumbledore flicked his wand. Though leaves and branches still flew through the night air around them, silence fell on the spot where he and Dumbledore faced each other.

"What request could a Death Eater make of me?"

"The... the prophecy... the prediction... Trelawney..."

"Ah, yes," said Dumbledore. "How much did you relay to Lord Voldemort?"

"None of it," Severus said, the other wizard's words like a slap in the face.

"No?" Dumbledore asked, eyeing Severus curiously.

"Lily Evans..."

"What of her?" Dumbledore asked, and something unreadable flickered in the older wizard's eyes.

"The prophecy did not refer to a woman," said Dumbledore. "It spoke of a boy born at the end of July -"

"You know what I mean!" he hissed, raising his voice slightly. She's pregnant, isn't she?"

"She is," Dumbledore acknowledged. "She just found out a few weeks ago, actually. The due date should be in the summer."

"July?"

"A distinct possibility."

"If he knows... he'll hunt her down - kill them all -"

"If she means so much to you," said Dumbledore, "surely Lord Voldemort will spare her? Could you not ask for mercy for the mother, in exchange for the son?"

"I -" Severus gulped.  _I thought about it. I still might._

"You disgust me," said Dumbledore, and Severus had never heard so much contempt in his former Headmaster's voice. He shrunk a little, "You do not care, then, about the deaths of her husband and child? They can die, as long as you have what you want?"

He said nothing but merely looked up at Dumbledore.

"Hide them all," he croaked. "Keep her - them - safe. Please."

"You haven't talked to him," Dumbledore said, looking at Severus searchingly once more. Looking like a piece of a very difficult puzzle had just slid perfectly into place. "Merely considered the option; correct me if I am mistaken."

"You're not mistaken," he said weakly. "I lied to him when he asked about the events that transpired."

Dumbledore seemed surprised, but almost  _pleased_  when he heard this. That made Severus feel a little uneasy.

"You actually lied to him?" Dumbledore said.

"Yes," he said. He paused. "I started learning Occlumency some time ago."

"To spy on me?" Dumbledore said.

"That was his intention, yes," he said. The Dark Lord had wanted him to become the Defence Professor at Hogwarts. Dumbledore had swiftly denied the job application, seemingly knowing his real motives behind it.

There was a brief silence. "How am I to believe you then?"

Severus winced but wasn't at all surprised. Nobody believed a Slytherin, and even less when said Slytherin was a Death Eater.

"I don't care if you believe me," said Severus. "Just protect her; them."

"Hmmm."

"If you don't believe me, and think my master sent me here, then doesn't that tell you that he is interested in her regardless!" Severus snapped.

Dumbledore now had a little twinkle in his eyes.

"Or you merely want to see if I believe she's important."

"Dumbledore!" he hissed. "Stop being a stubborn old fool. Now, I don't know what the rest of that godforsaken prophecy of yours states, but -"

"I believe you."

He blinked. "What?"

"I said, I believe you. You're here on your own terms."

"He can never hear the prophecy, Dumbledore," Severus said after a moment. "You have to protect them. Please."

"And what will you give me in return, Severus?"

"In - in return?" Severus gaped at Dumbledore. After a long moment, he said, "Anything."


	3. Erised

"What do you want, Dumbeldore?" he said, more of a statement than a question. "Or are you wanting information and then to send me to Azkaban." He wouldn't deny he likely deserved the Dementor infested hell. He had done a lot of horrible things these last few years. That didn't mean he wanted to go, but still - he shook his head, trying to stop that train of thought.

"It would be a shame to waste talent such as yours."

"You want..." Severus gulped. _He wants me to spy? If I agree and get caught I'll be tortured and murdered. If I don't end up insane, that is._

Dumbledore just regarded him, smiling. _The senile old fool._

He narrowed his eyes. "You wish me to spy."

"Yes, if you are agreeable, I want you to spy, Severus. Become a double agent or a triple spy, to be precise," Dumbledore said. He looked thoughtful for a moment. "And a professor."

"What? There is no -" Dumbeldore silenced him with a look.

"Let me explain. Voldemort -"

"Might you not repeatedly use that blasted name?" he sneered.

"Do you fear your master, Severus?"

Severus just glared, gesturing for Dumbledore to continue.

"The Dark Lord wanted you to spy on me, didn't he? He wanted you to apply for the Defence Against the Dark Arts position."

"He did," he agreed.

"Did he ask you to apply again this year?"

Severus shook his head.

"No, and I doubt he will. For some time, at least."

"Precisely," Dumbledore smiled. "As such, even if you tried to spy for us now, you would be prevented from coming to Hogwarts. It would prove difficult to get any information from you. Furthermore, you would still be required to partake in raids and attacks, I do believe."

Severus nodded, more to show he was listening than anything.

"To get around this we need a different, less straightforward approach. How are your Occlumency skills these days, Severus? You already are able to lie to him using your Occlumency."

"Yes," said Severus. "I am able to feed false memories. To a degree, at least."

"I will help you improve that skill then."

Severus gave a resigned nod. He would need to perfect that skill, or he'd be dead by the week's end.

"You want me to go and suggest to the Dark Lord I can deceive you?" he said. "To tell him that I can convince you that I have turned. That I will ask for your protection. And imply that you will surely offer me a position. I spy on you while, in reality, I spy for the Dark Lord."

"Very good, Severus. Yes, to all of it. Now, I know you likely want the Defence position, but I offer you the Potions position instead because Horace Slughorn wishes to retire. I will tell everyone who asks that I am afraid that giving you the Defence post will bring out the worst in you." Dumbledore's smile widened.

"Charming," he deadpanned.

"I have my reasons," said Dumbledore.

Severus just nodded.

"You will give him information," the Headmaster continued. "Two kinds of information. The information he thinks we want him to have, and the information he thinks we want to safeguard. We will carefully choose this information together."

He nodded again.

"You must be believable. And in turn, you will tell us about his plans, along with the fake information he wants to feed us. We will have to be very strategic about how we use that intelligence and how we act on it so as to not betray you. However, it is no secret that both sides have spies; information will at some point leak out. In that case, your triple agent role should provide you with some protection from your master's other spies. Even if they see you associate with me, or my organisation, Voldemort will know all about it already. Or he will know as much as we want him to know." Dumbledore's eyes twinkled. "As an added bonus, you should be able to stay safely at Hogwarts most of the time. Tom will no doubt order you to avoid raids and attacks because you cannot risk being found out as a Death Eater. It would ruin your career as a professor and spy."

"You've really thought this through, old man," he said rather phlegmatically.

"I do pride myself on being prepared," the wizened wizard said. "At any rate, I am sure I needn't warn you about just how much peril it would place you in?"

"No." He would be walking on the edge of a knife, and he knew it. No mistakes could be made.

"What is your decision then, Severus?" It came out with a sombre air. "Will you help me protect Lily?"

Severus' hands clenched, something his new master didn't fail to notice. "It's more than mere sentimentality for an old friend, isn't it, my boy?"

"You're senile, Dumbledore."

"Say what you might, Severus, but to care for someone is nothing to be ashamed of."

"We are not getting into this," he hissed.

"As you wish," the other man said. "What is your decision?"

"Don't ask questions to which you already know the answer." It came out in a whisper.

"Very well then," the elder wizard said. "Then I suggest you go get some rest, and we will, of course, reconvene before long. I will call an Order meeting for tomorrow evening."

"When and where?"

"I will contact you with the finer details in the morning. Now, as I said, I do believe some rest would do us both good."

Severus nodded, and took his leave, knowing not to push it with the older wizard. The Headmaster was pulling the strings right now. Severus was anything but foolish.

That night, sleep itself seemed to evade him. When he did manage to doss off, he tossed and turned. This wasn't exactly unusual for him, but he couldn't stop himself from waking up in a cold sweat.

"She’s alive. He hasn’t killed her. There's still a chance."

It was like a mantra he kept replaying in his head. He needed it, like air. She's alive. The Dark Lord doesn't yet know. She's alive.

When morning finally came, Severus felt worse than before he'd gone to bed.

Groggily, he forced himself out of bed. He then forced himself to take a shower, and throw on some clean robes.

He glared at his reflection in the mirror. Merlin, he hated himself sometimes.

He was a thin man with sallow skin, and a rather large, hooked nose. He had shoulder-length, frequently greasy, black hair which framed his face in curtains, curling lips and onyx eyes. He had a certain stringy, pallid look about him. He was round-shouldered yet angular and, as he'd heard more than once, had "a twitchy walk that recalled a spider."

Sighing he cast a spell on his teeth, straightening them a little. He then cast a whitening charm. There, that was a bit better. Normally, he wasn't one to care about physical appearances, but he wanted something to not completely hate about himself.

Then there was his obnoxious nose. Wincing, he cast a charm resetting it. It had been broken numerous times, and just looked ridiculous. He'd always been teased over it at school. Not that it was his bloody fault. He then cast a charm to deal the swelling, shrinking it a little.

There, not that it was great, but it definitely looked worlds better.

He scoffed at himself. Enough with this vanity. It was utterly ridiculous.

Throwing on his over cloak, he apparated from Spinner's End to Malfoy Manor. He had an audience with the Dark Lord to request.

Once at the manor, it didn't take long for Lucius' interest to be peaked. Severus wasn't one to just show up unannounced.

"What do you need to speak to our lord about?"

"It's concerning an assignment he's given me."

"Good news I hope," Lucius said searchingly.

"Indeed," Severus said with a smirk. "I do believe the Dark Lord will be more than pleased with what I have to tell him."

"Good," said Lucius. "I'd hate to see you lose the favour you've been building."

"I'm but a half-blood, Lucius," he said. "I will never be of your calibre. Nor do I wish to surpass my betters. I know my place."

Lucius nodded, gesturing for him to go to the room where his master was waiting.

"Good luck."

He just nodded.

Within a half-hour, Severus was done with the meeting. As expected, the Dark Lord had jumped at the prospect of fooling the great Albus Dumbeldore.

Severus has been very careful to lead his master to what he wanted the plan to be, without coming out and saying it. He had to think it his own idea.

Once they'd gotten there, though, the Dark Lord had then quickly sent him away to start on his latest assignment.

He'd then quickly contacted Dumbledore and updated him on the morning's events. They'd met briefly, and Severus answered some more questions about his activities with the Death Eaters. What he knew of upcoming plans. Persons of interests.

Dumbledore had been surprised at just how high up in rank Severus had risen. With Lucius sponsoring him, and Severus wanting nothing more than to prove himself... he'd been the perfect little puppet.

Severus had then spent the better part of the day avoiding the Malfoys and Lestranges. Unfortunately, it wasn't as easy a feet as he had hoped it would be.

Lucius, he didn't mind. They'd been friends of a sort for years. Bellatrix, well, it was LeStrange now... she was more than a little barmy. She was volatile at the best of times and didn't like Severus. No surprise. She had called him a filthy half-breed on more than one occasion.

He had no desire to put up with her today. Not even the slightest.

As for Lucius, he was just too nosy today for Severus' tastes. It was too soon for Lucius to start putting puzzle pieces together. He had to wait, and then let the Dark Lord decide who knew of his new duties.

So, he spent most of the day reading his potions journals and trying to distract himself from the Order meeting later. Dumbledore's little renegades as the Dark Lord had not so lovingly referred to them.

Severus snorted. The shoe was on the wrong foot. Renegades indeed.

The Death Eaters were the one with a turncoat. A traitor.

Taking a swig of firewhiskey, he got ready - throwing on an overcloak - and made his way to meet with Dumbeldore, apparating to Hogwarts' gates.

"Take my hand," was all Dumbeldore said after a brief greeting.

Severus knew better than to hesitate and cause Dumbeldore any reason to doubt him or to reveal how he felt about Lily more than he already had. Dumbeldore already knew too much. So, he grudgingly took the older wizard's hand, wondering if he wouldn't prefer Dumbeldore changing his mind and deciding to send him to Azkaban after all.

He tensed as Dumbeldore went and knocked on the door to what was clearly her and James Potter's residence. No doubt, Lily's doing. He doubted it was Potter who suggested moving to more modest accommodations.

It was a quaint house. It suited her perfectly.

"Severus…"

"Lily."

A silence fell between the pair as they stared at one another with a multitude of emotions melded into one. The rain continued to fall around them, though they remained dry from the porch of the house. Dark eyes locked with emerald green ones, both unwavering in their study of the other, both unable to find the words that they wished to speak- So much had passed between them over the years, much of it good, though some of it best left unsaid. It had been close to three years since their lives had crossed paths, and time had changed them both. She didn't smile, and his features gave no inkling or hint as to why he had suddenly appeared on the doorstep of her home after all this time, accompanied by Dumbledore no less.

"May we come in?" Dumbledore asked.

"Of course, Dumbledore." His former childhood friend was clearly recovering quickly from the momentary shock of seeing him here after everything.

Yes, this was going to be a very long meeting.


	4. The Firing Squad

"What are you doing in my house, Snape?" came James Potters voice as Severus walked through the door. Predictable. Lily might have thought that her dear husband had changed, but he never had. He just got better at hiding his harassment.

"You have no business being here, Snivelly," Sirius Black hissed.

"Actually I do," he said, voice low and cutting.

Oh, what he would give to be able to walk right out that front door.

"Oh, and what would that be?" Black said. "Come to spy on us for your little Death Eater friends? No doubt you're one of them."

"I -" Severus was saved from having to reply, as Dumbledore cut him off.

"Sirius," Albus Dumbledore said, cutting through the conversation, silencing everyone in the room. "I trust Severus Snape completely… for now, let that be enough."

"But he's probably a Death Eater! How do you know that he isn't loyal to Voldemort!" Black exclaimed.

"I refuse to have Death Eater scum in my house, Dumbledore," came Potter's voice.

"How do we know he isn't one?" came Lily's voice at last. "We all know who his friends were, Albus."

"Easily," said Dumbledore., giving Severus a pointed look. Trust me. You did before. Do it once more. "Severus, if you would please show us your left forearm."

Severus' heart immediately started racing. What was Dumbledore doing?

Pulling himself together, he lifted the sleeve of his left forearm, revealing his... nothing. He blinked. The mark was gone. Impossible. Reeling from the surprise, the more rational part of him was saying Dumbledore had merely cast a concealment spell of some kind.

"Concealment charms." Of course, that would be Potter's suggestion. Blasted git.

Without hesitation, Dumbledore came and to all appearances cast several revealment charms. Severus knew better, however. There was something off about it. Dumbledore had purposely cast them wrong.

"Well, I'll be!" came Remus Lupin's voice.

That sentiment seemed to be echoed by most in the room.

"Why are you here, Snape?" Pettigrew, Potter's little follower said, finally speaking. He never did have much spine, and Severus could never for the life of him figure out why the hopeless idiot was friends with them. Then again, he had some suspicions on that front.

"I would like to know that as well," said Lily. "What is this about, Snape?"

He gulped. How did he explain this without making her hate him even more? How did he explain this when Dumbledore clearly wanted his Death Eater membership kept secret, if only for the time being?

"I - The Dar - that is... You-know-who, he's after you. You're in danger."

"Everyone is in some sort of danger, Snape."

"Yes, well... worse than usual. He wants you and your husband dead."

"And you know this how?" Lily said looking at him doubtfully.

"I'm sorry if you aren't the most credible person, Snape," Potter added. "We're supposed to believe this? And do what exactly?"

"What is it you know?" Lily demanded, giving him a cutting look.

"There is a prophecy," he said. "Now, it doesn't matter if we believe it or not... what does matter is that You-know-who evidently does. It speaks of someone being born to parents who have thrice defied him, who has the power to destroy him."

"No offence, Snape," said Lupin, "but, you sound completely crazy."

"I agree with Remus," Lily said. "You've clearly gone mad. Moreover, how would you know if He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named believes it or not?"

"I haven't," he said. _Or maybe I have. This is a suicide mission after all._ "And as for how I am aware, I am longtime friends with Lucius Malfoy, remember? He and Bellatrix Black... err LeStrange... they are quite talkative after indulging in alcohol." Yes, that certainly sounded plausible. "And if you don't believe me about the prophecy, Dumbledore was there. He overheard it as well." There, that should end the discussion.

If only Lily didn't still have that guarded look in her eyes. She didn't trust him. She still thought he was hiding something.

Well, she'd be right.

Why hadn't he listened to her before it was too late? She'd been right. She'd always been right.

But he'd just been so desperate to make something of himself. And with his father being the way he was... It wasn't like Severus had never asked for help, but every time he did, it just got thrown back in his face. No, he'd had to make something of himself, but nobody on the judgmental 'light side' would help him. Not then. Even Dumbledore hadn't cared.

No, Lucius had offered help. Had seen his talent. The Dark Lord had seen his talent.

That was all he'd wanted; to be accepted. For people to recognise his abilities. What was he supposed to do? Just lay down and take all the abuse thrown at him?

It was a poor excuse, he knew it. But, he'd only been eighteen. He hadn't known better.

"Lucius Malfoy?" Lily said disbelievingly. "You get him and Bellatrix drunk, and they just happen to spill their big dark secrets..." Did she know? Did she suspect the truth?

"Bellatrix is an idiot at the best of times," Severus said with a snort.

"Fair enough."

"And Lucius Malfoy?"

"He has his moments."

"Hmmm."

"I was holding a job interview, and Severus happened to be frequenting the same establishment when the telling occurred," Dumbledore explained, coming to Severus' aid. "Before long, Mr Snape and I had a rather telling discussion, in which his concern for you and James was mentioned."

"Oh, I doubt any of the concern was for me," Potter said with a snort. Ungrateful prat.

Lily's air of suspicion faded somewhat after Dumbledore spoke. No surprise there. Why did she have to always be so good at telling when he was lying or holding back? She was the one person who could always cause him to unravel. Read him like a book.

"So, if You-Know-Who believes this Prophecy nonsense, then what do we do now?" Potter asked.

"What do you recommend, Albus?" Lily asked, turning to Dumbeldore.

"What do you know about the Fidelius Charm, Lily and James?"

"Isn't that a little extreme?" Potter asked with a frown.

"James -" That came from Lupin.

"What is it?" Pettigrew asked.

Lily seemed lost in a thought for a moment, evidently recalling something she had heard or read.

"It is an immensely complex spell involving the magical concealment of a secret inside a single, living soul,” explained Lily. "The information is concealed inside the chosen person, or Secret Keeper, and is henceforth impossible to find unless, of course, the Secret-Keeper chooses to divulge it. As long as the Secret-Keeper refuses to speak the secret is safe."

"Correct in all essentials, Mrs Potter," he said, the name tasting like bile on his tongue. Why did it have to be him of all people she married? "And the disclosure does, in fact, have to be of free choice. Coercion will not undo the effects of the spell. Granted, it may perchance deteriorate them, but that is contingent upon the particular secret in question."

"I see I don't need to give any explanation," Dumbledore said, evidently amused. "In any case, Voldemort -" Severus flinched, something they all noticed, could press his nose up to your living room window and not be able to find you."

Severus tensed even more if at all possible.

"Are you considering us going under Fidelius, Albus?" Lily asked.

"I think it would be for the best," said Dumbledore. "I would also like to offer myself as Secret Keeper."

"No," said Potter. "If we are doing this, and I am not saying we are -"

"James, we have to."

"I want it to be Sirius," said Potter. "You have so much going on, sir. You can't possibly take more on your plate."

"I assure you, it would be no problem," came the wizened wizard's voice.

"Potter, your arrogance and naivety know no bounds," he said, unable to bite his tongue.

"Have an opinion do you?" Potter snarled. "I'd trust my friends with my wand, thank you very much. But then again, I actually have decent friends. You wouldn't know about that."

"Potter," he hissed. "Black is the most obvious choice. And Pettigrew does nothing but act like a sad tag along."

"OI!"

"Oh, deaf it, Pettigrew!".

"I -"

"Pettigrew," he continued unperturbed, "you're so cowardly you'd give them up in seconds to save your own skin. You'd likely feel bad after, but you'd still sell out. Black would admittedly not tell. Potter and you are annoying close, but Black would be targeted. They'd expect him to be chosen. And believe me, you going into hiding will be noticed, Potter."

"What do you suggest then, you greasy git?" Potter said, glaring.

"Either Dumbeldore, you, or Lily, you arrogant toerag."

"You can do that?" Lily asked. "Be your own keeper?"

"Yes."

"That's actually a reasonable suggestion," said Lupin.

"Hmmm." A typical Lily response. Again.

"I know this is a difficult decision," said Dumbeldore. "You don't have to decide right this minute, but I implore you to consider it. There isn't much time."

"Whatever you may think of me, Potter," Severus said, fighting to keep his voice level, "don't make your wife suffer for it."

"What's that supposed to mean, Snivelly?" Potter snarled.

"JAMES!" Lily cried.

"Prongs -" Of course Lupin and Lily were the only ones with any sense.

"Well, he -"

"James," Lily said with a sigh, "I think Snape was merely saying to actually consider his idea, because, despite your history, it IS a good idea. He's right. Don't just disregard it without due consideration. Whatever his faults, Snape's never been stupid."

"No," said Potter, "he's just an evil genius."

"Ain't that the truth," said Black, sending a pointed look towards Severus. "Emphasis on the shabby evil part."

Severus shot Black a look of greatest disdain.

"Enough you two," Dumbledore chided, although Severus' glare didn't lessen any.

"So?"

Potter sighed and glanced at his wife. "We'll consider it."

"Good."

Now, if only Severus could just hightail it out of there. This couldn't end soon enough.


	5. What Makes a Death Eater

It was a calm, slightly crisp night; rather quite typically for a night in late February. At this late hour, most were either asleep or, in this particular home, watching a movie with family over a cup of hot cocoa.

The last few months had been stressful, for everyone. Severus had been feeling increasingly on edge lately, and honestly, he hated teaching. With the new term, came the start of his new job. Naturally, he was completely  _ecstatic_. Something all his new colleagues would vouch for.

The insufferable dunderheads did everything they could to blow up a cauldron. And their essays were half useless, half chicken scratch. The older years weren't so terrible, but he would be glad to never see a Slytherin-Gryffindor first-year class again.

Why Dumbledore insisted on putting those two houses together, was beyond him. It was asking for trouble, and trouble the students gave.

It didn't help that most of the students remembered him as that loner fifth-year Slytherin who got stripped in front of half the school, among other things.

The Seventh and Sixth-year classes were absolute hell at the beginning. Severus had eventually snapped at one of the obnoxious Gryffindors and took points. The attitude had quickly been remedied, and most had avoided mocking him since then. To his face, at least.

McGonagall had shaken her head at him, but he didn't particularly care. He wasn't putting up with it. Of course, that made him the bad one. He was too harsh. It was absolutely frustrating, and that wasn't even getting into his spy duties.

If only he could turn the clock back to November.

The only good thing that came from the situation was not having to participate in raids and the fact that Lily, the handful of times they'd seen each other, had actually started being somewhat civil. Yes, they'd had a few fights, but nothing compared to before. She was actually willing to give him the time of day, surprisingly.

_"So, Severus, what have you been up to these last few years?"_

_"Honestly, not much. Acting stupid, frankly."_

_"Well, if you ask my mother, all twenty-something-year-olds are stupid." She gave him a small smile. "I've done my own fair share of stupid."_

_"Hmmm."_

_"Are you still living in your parents' old house?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Hmmm."_

_"What?"_

_"Just surprised is all," she said. "I thought that would be the first thing on your list to do; leave Cokeworth."_

_"It still is."_

_"Just haven't found a way?"_

_"It's a work in progress."_

_"Do tell."_

_"Maybe later."_

_Now it was her turn to roll her eyes._

Then again… it was Lily. She could hate your guts and still be civil if she wished to.

On the other hand, she frequently enjoyed letting you know she hated you, and why, if you pushed her to it. That tended to take a lot, to be honest. If you messed up, she didn't tend to sugar-coat it. She preferred the direct approach.

Severus snorted. Her honestly had been something he liked about her. It just stung when it was directed at him, and he knew he deserved it.

And when she found out what he was about to tell her, the little civility he'd managed to get would vanish. She'd likely go right back to the looks of disdain and ignoring his existence. He had no doubts about that.

If only he'd listened. But he'd felt so helpless back then… and he was sure that once he made something of himself, she'd realise it wasn't so bad. That he could protect her.

Why did his life have to be so bloody complicated?

James Potter had gone away for a few days, quietly visiting is parents. They were quite elderly, and his mother had been sickly for some time. She had taken a turn for the worst, and Dumbledore arranged for her son to visit. Lily, not wanting to be locked in a house alone, decided to visit her parents, that she hadn't seen in some time. Nobody, save her family – and select others, knew she was in town.

Suddenly, the residents of 16 Wilmslow Road heard a gentle  _pop_ , and Lily Evans - no, Potter - immediately on high alert, jumped to see what the commotion was. She knew that sound well.

Someone had apparated into their yard.

She hadn't had time to get to the door before she and Severus made eye contact.

With frantic but shaking hands he opened the gate, and then desperately stumbled up to the front door, which he knocked.

"When did we become friends?" Lily said, pointing her wand at his chest.

"We were nine."

She nodded. "And why did we fall out?"

"Silly girl," Severus said with a snort. "Half the school knows that answer."

"Well?"

"I was attacked by your lovely husband because his mate was bored," Severus said with a sneer. She was obviously annoyed with that comment. Oh well. "You came to help, and I called you a rather nasty name. Later, we talked outside of Gryffindor tower. I had to beg to talk to you. You said you were done."

She nodded.

Now Lily found herself at wand point. "What did you say to me?"

"That I couldn't pretend anymore. That you'd chosen your way, and I'd chosen mine."

Severus nodded, lowering his wand.

"Come in then."

Severus let her lead the way in.

"Severus Snape!" The man had deep red hair, just like Lily's. She'd always favoured her father's looks. His hair, however, was beginning to go grey around the sides. "What's going on?

"Severus?" Lily's mother asked.

"I think we should take this upstairs."

"Why?"

"Please. I'll explain in a minute."  _Listen. Trust me._ "Please."

"Fine," she conceded, and not much letter they all found themselves in the upstairs guest bedroom.

"What's going on?" The person speaking was a big, beefy man that was sporting thick, dark hair, and a bushy black moustache. He also had hardly any neck and small, blue, eyes that rather had a harshness to them, not unlike Severus' own. "Who is this man?"

"Vernon," Lily said, evidently trying to cover up some derision.  _She doesn't like him. Why?_  "This is Severus Snape, an old schoolmate of mine."

"I see," he said with a frown. "One of your lot?" There was definite disdain when the man spoke.

Lily rolled her eyes. "He went to the local primary across the way, actually, but yes. He's one of  _my lot._ Severus, this is my dear brother in law."

"Charming."

"Hmmm."

Everyone looked at him, waiting for him to speak.

"Well?"

"I'm terribly sorry to visit without calling first," he said awkwardly. "And I know I'm probably not your favourite person, but it's important." He paused. "I'm so sorry."

"Severus, what did you do?" Lily asked quietly.

He took a deep breath and rolled up the sleeve to his left forearm. "The worst thing I could have ever done. I'm so sorry."

Lily just looked sadly at the horrible black tattoo on the arm of her former childhood best friend. "We were right then."

He nodded. "Yes." He couldn't quite miss the look of disgust in her eyes, but he was shocked when it faded and was replaced with something else he couldn't quite place. Compassion? Disappointment? Resignation?

"Does Dumbledore know?"

"Yes. He's the one who cast the concealment charm."

She nodded.

"How long?"

"When I overheard the conversation with Dumbledore, I started spying."

"You're his source? That's how you know about…" She paused, not wanting to go into too much detail in front of her family.

"Yes."

"You're an idiot." She sighed. "Ok, we'll figure this out, Severus. If you really want out…"

"I do."

"No more games."

"I'm not playing any."

"Swear it."

"I promise," he said without hesitation. "No more games."

"Good." The redheaded witch paused. "And Severus Tobias Snape, do not for one second think that means I am not beyond furious, Merlin help you."

Severus winced. Lily was never pleasant when she went spare, and he had a good feeling that's where things were headed.

"For the record, the only reason I haven't hexed your sorry arse off is that right now is not the time," she chided. "We  _will_  be having a little chat later."

"Understood."

"Lily? Snape? An explanation for those of us who are normal, please?" a noticeably pregnant Petunia asked, although definitely more of a demand. She didn't know what was going on, but the way those two were acting was making her nervous. Something everyone could easily see.

"What's with all this freaky tattoo business?" Vernon said with disgust. "You're obviously some sort of gang member?"

"It's more than that," Severus said with a sigh. "There is a war going on."

There was a chorus of, "What?!"

"Well, you see," Lily started, "there is… Well, there is this really dark, powerful, wizard. He has been gaining power for some time. Only, he hates everyone who is not of pure magical blood. Those like me. He has a symbol, and, well…" She hesitated, not entirely certain how to explain the situation to her family without petrifying them. She'd kept them out of it as much as possible. And with Vernon and Petunia, it would be only too easy for the situation to become even more volatile. They already rarely spoke even when under their parents' roof.

"He sounds like your version of Hitler," Mr Evans said with a frown.

"That's accurate," Severus said. He wasn't backing down now.

The Evans family was silent and still as they stared at the mark on Severus' arm that he had shown them.

"You support this dark whatever," Vernon said with a very clear lilt of abhorrence in his voice.

"He's a very moving speaker," Severus said somewhat defensively. "I believed what he was saying... and I didn't really know what else to do!" Severus gestured to the mark again. "It was stupid."

"This is why you stopped being friends?" Mrs Evans asked, pieces of a puzzle finally fitting into place.

"Yes," he admitted. "But I can explain in more detail later… Please, we don't have much time."

Both he and Lily nodded, not sure what to say. It was, surprisingly, Lily's sister who finally broke the silence.

"Snape," she said, a note of disdain noticeable. Hardly a surprise, "you said that you had something important to discuss? What is it?"

"Yes, Petunia," he scoffed, "this is part of it." He looked at Lily. "They're coming."

"What? The house is in hiding; he shouldn't even know where I am."

"He doesn't."

"What's going on?"

"Your daughter is part of a group that opposes this Dark Wizard," said Severus. "He's interested in her talent, and doesn't particularly care how he grows his numbers, as long as he has the followers he needs."

"Lily!" her father scolded. "How could –"

"Not now, Da!" said Lily. "Please."

"You're being hunted!" her father exclaimed.

"Sir -"

"Not now, lad!"

"Can everyone stop for five seconds, and will someone explain what the ruddy well is going on?" Mrs Evans demanded, rather forcefully. "Now." Normally she was quite a kind woman, but, much like her daughter, once you got that fire started… how did the expression go again? Hell hath no fury… Rather apt, in Severus' opinion.

"He can't find Lily, so he's decided to get to her thr –"

Just then the entire area was filled with the sound of Apparition

"No," Lily whispered.

"We have to go.  _Now_." If we stay here much longer we'll all be dead. Please, trust me. You did once.

Lily nodded.

He quickly put up a silencing spell.

"Lily, you take your sist –"

Someone blasted the door open.

"GO! THE OFFICE!"

Lily immediately grabbed Petunia and Vernon. Severus wasted no time in taking Lily's parents' hands as well. He immediately concentrated on their new destination. If they could just have a couple more seconds... too late.

"SNAPE, YOU BLOODY TRAITOR!"

The flash and green light narrowly missed him, as they apparated away.

"YOU CAN'T RUN FOREVER, YOU FILTHY HALF-BLOOD!"


	6. At a Crossroads

Everything that followed, happened in a blur. They'd landed just outside their old school gates, and Severus deliberately set off the wards, alerting the Headmaster that he had company. All the while, they were running up the school grounds, trying to get within the school's protections as quickly as possible.

Nobody stopped to think, they just went. Everything else could wait.

With a sigh of relief, that they were safe, Lily pushed open the castle door. They were not disappointed, either. Professor Dumbledore greeted them instantly, and the next several minutes were a blur of explanations and Lily and Mrs Evans shooting Severus looks, deliberately making him squirm on his feet, guilt washing over him like a wave.

Not that he was surprised by Lily or her mother's reactions. He also couldn't be bothered to care what Petunia's husband thought, so the looks he was receiving from him, didn't bother him any. What did surprise him was when Lily turned on the Headmaster. That was something he was shocked to see, and he almost pitied the Headmaster for having to face the fiery redhead's wrath. Lily could be incredibly sweet, but when angered... Well, Merlin, help the poor sod who found themselves on the receiving end. Severus would know. He was no stranger to that particular experience. And the two older Evanses seemed happy to let their youngest daughter go at it.

"AND YOU -" she yelled. "HOW COULD YOU-?!"

"Lily, I assure you -"

"He came to you for  _help_ ," she said, pointing her finger at him. "He's a bloody human being! Given, he's also a right idiot, and he's a complete git at the best of the times, but -"

"I'll say," came Petunia's reply. Lily rolled her eyes.

"And a criminal," Petunia's husband not so helpfully added. 

"As I was saying," she said, resuming her train of thought, "he's still a human. He's not a tool. He's not a pawn. He's not expendable." She paused. "That's what you thought, wasn't it? You thought him  _expendable._ "

"Lily, he volunteered," the Headmaster said calmly. "He was not coerced. In these times -"

"Of course the stupid git did," she said coolly. "It was either that or Azkaban. If not that,  _the kiss._ Then there's the fact that he's probably scared to fully walk away because he'd probably be put on a hit list. And I am sure you did absolutely no nudging in that conversation."

"Lily -"

"NOT NOW, SEVERUS TOBIAS SNAPE!" she said, sending a glare his way. "I'm still incredibly pissed off at you!"

He shrunk a little. Lily turned back to Dumbledore.

"And you know what?" she said with a mirthless laugh. "I actually gave you the benefit of the doubt." Now Severus' attention had definitely peeked. Did she know something about the Headmaster? Had something happened? She had always liked Dumbledore and completely trusted him. For her opinion to change like that... Lily wasn't a person who changed her mind easily. She was too strong headed.

"Lily," Dumbledore said, the glint in his eyes fading slighting. "To what are you -"

"Bathilda Bagshot had a lot to say about you, you know," said Lily. "I had tea with her the other day. She has always been so sweet. She's a fascinating old thing - with the most amazing stories about you."

The look on Dumbledore's face spoke a thousand words.

"I figured you wouldn't be pleased if you knew, but I don't care," said Lily without preamble. "I didn't know how much to believe, actually, because it seems incredible that you could ever have been friends with Gellert Grindelwald." Well, this was certainly news to Severus. Was it true? If it was... "I reckoned her mind was going, actually. However, I'm now wondering if there wasn't more truth to the matter than I first thought."

"The situation is -"

"I realise it's probably complicated," said Lily through gritted teeth. "I don't care. I can accept you're human, Albus. However, you of all people should understand the value of a second chance."

"I can't deny that," the wizened wizard said, a slightly haunted glint in his eyes.

So it was true. A rush of anger came over him.

"You've done a lot of good, you've done your best to make up for them," she said. "So, tell me this! Why are you condemning someone in the same position?!"

"Lily -"

"No, Albus. As far as I am concerned, you're either hypocritical or hate yourself more than I thought," she said. "You clearly have some issues to sort out."

"I won't deny I've made many mistakes, Lily," said Dumbledore. "But the fact remains that running from Tom is difficult. Severus would be put at even more risk."

"You can protect him."

Dumbeldore sighed. "I -"

"No, Albus," she said, a determined look in her eye. "If he wishes, put him in hiding, use me as the secret keeper. I don't care. You will protect him, and then, once this is over, we will deal with the consequences of  _his_  stupidity." She shot Severus a pointed look. "Severus?"

"I, well..."

Severus glanced back and forth between Lily and the Headmaster.

"I didn't ask him, Severus Snape!" she said. "Yes or no?"

"I'd just answer her, laddie." This time it was Mr Evans who spoke.

He swallowed. "I'd appreciate the protection, yes, but -"

"No buts," said Lily. "It's settled. Now all that remains is to decide if you remain here as a teacher or not."

Dumbledore finally spoke up.

"What is it you wish to do, Severus. Your job is yours, and protections will be offered during the summer months. You yourself know Hogwarts is highly protected."

That was certainly true, and even if that wasn't the case, Dumbledore himself made Hogwarts one of the safest places in Wizarding Britain. He was said to be the only one the Dark Lord feared. And his Slytherins... he had started to enjoy his work as Head of House, even if he hated the actual teaching aspect. If he stayed, maybe he could steer them away from making the same mistake he did? Even if he didn't stay, shouldn't he at least finish the year off?

He sighed, knowing he'd likely regret the decision.

"I'll stay."

"Is that your final decision?" Lily asked.

"Yes," said Severus.

She nodded.

"I am actually pleased you decided to stay," said Dumbledore. "You've done well with the Slytherins. I must ask, however, that you attempt to be less harsh towards the other students."

"Do you realise how often the dunderheads blow something up in my classroom or otherwise melt cauldrons?"

"That bad?" Lily said with a wince.

"Horrible," he said with a snort. "However, I'll endeavour not to hurt their feelings too badly, Headmaster."

Lily rolled her eyes.

"I'll assume that's as good as good as I am going to get," the elder wizard said.

"You're assumption would be correct."

"I'll take what I can get," Dumbledore deadpanned.

"Honestly, you two," said Lily.

"Some things never change," Mrs Evans added, rolling her eyes.

"Hmmm."

"I would like to point out that some of us still have questions. Such as why you switch sides." Petunia asked. "Or are we supposed to believe you just woke up one day and realised genocide was a bad thing? Even I didn't take you for being that thick. An arrogant, nasty, git, but not stupid."

"Eloquent as always, Tuney," Lily retorted.

"Don't take that tone with your sister," Vernon said coolly. "She has a very valid point about  _this_." He gestured vaguely in Severus' direction.

"Sorry if I still don't like the git," Petunia said. "It might have escaped your notice, Lily, but I never have. And please stop using that childish nickname."

"Fine," the younger sister said with an eye-roll.

"So?" Petunia asked. "Why did you change sides?"

"It is a good question," Mrs Evans said, and Mr Evans gave him a look that clearly said he agreed.

"It's complicated."

"We have time." This time, it was Vernon who spoke.

He raised an eyebrow. "Like I said, it's complicated. I had started having some doubts once I started getting more involved in raids, but I figured it was a necessary evil. A means to an end. I wouldn't have acted on it, but then I realised Lily was going to be targeted. We hadn't talked in years, but -" his voice trailed off. He didn't want to explain his feelings concerning his old childhood friend. "I immediately went to Dumbledore."

"You changed sides because I was targeted?" Lily asked, but it was more of a statement.

He sighed. "Can we please not discuss this right now."

"Fine," Lily said. "But remember, you and I are still going to have a really nice chat."

"Not the word I'd use for it," he said.

"Because you know your arse is about to want to run into the Black Lake," she said with a snort.

"Why did nobody take your wand from you?"

"I'd like to see you try," she said with a snort. "But if it helps, I was kidding."

"No, you weren't." He wasn't stupid.

"I was... partially, at least." Ah, well, that's something then.

"Lucky me." His voice was dripping with sarcasm.


	7. Tête-à-tête

Feeling much like he was marching to his doom, he steeled himself and followed Lily out of the room for what passed for her style of conversation. Which, he was relatively certain was about to make what happened to Dumbledore mere moments ago look like extremely friendly and calm prattle. Oh, yes. He had no illusions. He was in for it the second she found a suitable door and closed it behind them. And worse was, he knew he deserved the tongue-lashing he was about to receive. Unquestionably.

He was marginally grateful she decided to do it a bit more privately, but he felt that had more to do with her wanting answers and knowing him well enough to be familiar with his tendency to shut down, and that he would admit to more away from prying eyes. Still, it was something.

Finally, they found themselves in an empty classroom and Lily closed the door behind him. And he received the glare that he knew was coming.

"Lily."

"Severus Snape, for someone so intelligent you can also be the stupidest person I have ever met." He fidgeted some. "And you bloody well know it too! What in Merlin's saggy left…" Her voice trailed off. "Please explain to me what the bloody hell you were thinking!"

"I –"

"I'll tell you what you were thinking," she said with a snort. "You weren't! Did it never once occur to you that that group was evil? Did it never occur to you that maybe I had a problem with them because the group you and your little friends supported was bloody well becoming known for mass murder? For kidnapping innocent people? Torture? AND ALL BECAUSE OF BLOOD-STATUS!"

"You were right," he said without hesitation.

"I told you, told you, that you needed to recheck your conjectures," she said. "I told you I thought them evil. You even witnessed some stuff here at school. You know what they did to Mary! But no, you just had to go and learn the hard way!"

He opened up his mouth, but couldn't make the words come.

"Well, you've certainly got a taste of your own potion now," she said. "So, tell me, was it worth it?"

"You know it wasn't," he said, his voice coming out hoarse. "I never intended for..."

"AND THAT'S THE ISSUE!" Lily yelled. "Oh, you never intend anything, Severus Tobias! You just don't bloody well think your consequences through. Merlin knows, you try, but you fail so miserably every time. Intent means next to nothing, Severus! It's action that's needed."

"I know."

"Why?" she demanded. "Why did you do it?"

"I – I was tired of being pushed around by everybody," he admitted. "I had a rough time in Slytherin in some ways, as well. Being… considerably less than well off, as I was…. Being a half-blood as well, things were complicated. Still, Lucius, Mulciber and Avery… they were friends of a sort. They actually accepted me. I… it was easy to fall into their ideology. You know my father… well, we never exactly saw eye to eye."

"I am aware," she sighed. "I also suspect that it was more than that."

"What are you implying?"

"It's simple," said Lily. "When you said that your father didn't like anything much, you meant yourself as well, didn't you? He didn't just have slight issues with magic."

"Lily –"

"He abused you, didn't he?" It was more of a statement than a question.

Severus immediately felt like someone punched the wind out of him. How was he supposed to answer this? He'd never told anybody about his home life. Even Lily had never known the full extent of what occurred behind the walls of that tiny house on Spinner's End.

"I don't see how –" He did not want her continuing down this train of thought.

"Did he or did he not?" Lily said with an eye-roll.

Taking a deep breath, he spoke. "I'm sure there are those would see it that way."

"And you?"

He gave a defeated sort of laugh. "You tell me. I have scars, and I absolutely loathe the smell of drink."

"How bad did it get?" she said, evidently hoping that Severus would simply deny her claims.

Severus wrung his hands. "My home life was rather bleak."

That was all she was getting. He wasn't going to go into detail about his father's punishments. Although it was quite rare his father got physical, it had happened enough for Severus to be very wary of the man. Even when the man had been trying to get clean and acted somewhat pleasant.

None of that changed the frequent occurrence of getting called a freak, and that he'd amount to nothing; no good as he was. It didn't change the frequent occurrence of hiding in his bedroom, listening to the screaming downstairs, just hoping it would stop.

Honestly, his mother was little better.

Eileen and Tobias Snape had had rather the volatile relationship. Even when Tobias was clean, they still managed to fight about everything.

His mother, she seemed to at least care a little bit though. At least she seemed to understand him a little more than his father. The magical part of him; his father had never understood that. He'd never wanted to, in fact.

Still, both parents had ignored him for years. They were both so wrapped up in their marital discord they hadn't cared what he did or where he went – only when they wanted something from him. They hadn't even cared if he had decent clothes to wear or food to eat.

And Tobias made it quite clear he'd prefer taking to the bottle and a night out with the lads over providing his son with food. Severus never ate much at home, a trait that never changed. He'd always been scrawny, and never had much of an appetite in any case.

"I see." Lily looked at him searchingly. "And your solution was to become like him?"

Severus flinched. "I'm nothing like –"

"No, you're right. You just signed on for the mass slaughter of everyone different from you," she said. "That's worse!"

"I know."

"Do you?"

"I didn't think things would go this far," he said weakly. "I believed he wanted to improve certain aspects of our world."

"How?"

Severus just sighed. "I don't even know anymore. It seemed like a promising prospect at the time. The violence was just supposed to be a means to an end. Things would get better. He promised power. I was tired of being pushed over. I wasn't judged for my interest in the Dark Arts."

"Why are you so obsessed with the Dark Arts, anyway?"

"It's challenging," he said with a shrug, "among other reasons."

He wasn't about to start that debate again.

"And now? Your beliefs?"

"I never really saw black and white, you know that."

"Well, I'd start thinking hard about how your actions affect people," she snorted. "No little power rush is worth lives."

Severus wanted to say something, but couldn't make the words come.

"The Dark Lord… he's not the same as he was in the beginning. And I know he's lied about things," Severus said. "He's been treating us like nothing more than slaves. He's increasingly losing his grip on reality, and his motives… the violence isn't a means to an end. He revels in it. You can see it."

"You're scared." It was simply a statement, not a question.

"I'm… concerned."

"Would you have changed sides if it wasn't for the prophecy?"

"I don't know," Severus admitted, shrinking back as he waited for the look of complete disgust he was sure would be on Lily's face.

Lily nodded her head, evidently unimpressed. "At least you're being honest."

"Do you wish me to lie?"

"No."

"I'd like to think I'd have realised eventually what a mess I'd made of everything," he said, "but I don't know. I just know I heard the Prophecy and began mentally listing all the families who applied. I got thrown out of the pub and apparated away. I was going to tell, to see if maybe –" He shook his head. "I eventually decided to keep the information to myself. I then talked to Dumbledore who asked me to spy, in conjunction with him promising to protect you."

"He would have protected me anyway, Severus," she said.

"It's me, Lily," he said. "Dumbledore was more likely to not give me the benefit of the doubt than anything."

"Your point being?"

"I couldn't take the chance," he admitted. "I'd been so stupid, and you didn't… you didn't need to pay the price for that. And with spying, the information was invaluable. I don't regret that. I can't."

"Why did you hide the fact?"

"Dumbledore sort of took over when everyone was questioning me," Severus said after a moment. "I followed his lead."

"Of course, you did."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing, Severus," she said with a sigh. "Just that it's Dumbledore. Not many people would go against him. He tries his best, he's a good man, but he does make mistakes nonetheless."

"Would you and your… husband… really have listened if you'd known where the information came from?" he said quietly. "Honestly, Lily."

"Probably not," she said with a sigh. "That doesn't mean I like being misled. I did have my suspicions though. Your face when everyone talked about showing your mark; I noticed."

"I hadn't realised Dumbledore had concealed it," he said. "Wait… you  _knew_?"

"I hoped I was wrong," she said, "but I did have suspicions yes."

"And you told your husband to listen to me, regardless?"

"Of course," she said.

"Why?"

"If you had been a Death Eater, Dumbledore likely knew," she said. "In any case, if he didn't and you were giving the information… Regardless, it showed that You-know-who had taken an interest in us."

He gave a mirthless laugh.

"What?"

"That's exactly what I told Dumbledore when he was refusing to listen," he said. "I yelled at him telling him that even if I was sent by the Dark Lord that it already showed he had some interest in your family."

"Hmmm."

"What?"

"Dumbledore really knows how to get what he wants," Lily deadpanned.

"Damn straight," said Severus with a snort. "He's a good actor too. He had me going for a few moments and then he just casually said he believed me. He just wanted to see how important it was to me. It doesn't surprise me, to be honest."

"No, I suppose it wouldn't."

"I think the Sorting hat coughed when it sorted Albus Dumbledore," he quipped.

Lily, despite herself, gave him a small smile. "He does have a cunning streak, doesn't he?"

Severus quirked an eyebrow.

"I never really gave up on you, Severus," she said after a moment. "Not really. I always hoped... Cutting you off was hard, but it had to be done. You had to make your own choice, stubborn as you are. You've always needed to learn the hard way. I hated doing it though. I even gave you an opening. I asked you to chose. You just opened your mouth and closed it. You agreed that you aimed to be a Death Eater." Severus tensed. "All I wanted to hear was you tell me I was wrong."

"So, if I'd just..." He took a shaky breath. "And instead I made you hate me."

"I never hated you."

"What?" He couldn't hide his surprise at this statement.

"Don't get me wrong," she said, "I wanted to. It would have been easier in some ways. But no, I didn't hate you. I was furious, heartbroken, and extremely disappointed, but I didn't hate you. I couldn't walk through it with you anymore either though. Not then. I have wondered over the years, though -"

"I didn't give you much of a choice," he said. "I didn't mean to call you that word, but still."

"Aye, you didn't. That's what made it worse."

"How?"

"You would never have said it to me on purpose," she said. "It wasn't even a conscious choice on your part. It was merely second nature to you."

Severus gulped. "So, where does this leave us now?"

"We fight together and you set as many of your wrongs to right as possible. And Merlin help you if you don't get your act together. This is your final chance. Final. Do I make myself clear?"

Severus gave a small nod. "Crystal."

"Good," she said eying him. "Last chance. I'm done. No more Dark Arts."

Severus nodded.

"Can you do that?"

That was the question, wasn't it? Severus had been practising the Dark Arts for years. Could he just walk away and give that up?

He looked at Lily... Would he really let some spells ruin their already rocky acquaintanceship? He'd let it destroy their friendship before.

"I -"

"Severus?"

Wringing his hands, he nodded. He'd made his decision.

"Your word, Severus."

"I promise."

"Good," she said with a nod. "And Sev -"

"Yes?"

"Thank you."


	8. Seeds of Trust

The following weeks passed in a blur. Severus was basically on lockdown at Hogwarts and hadn't been able to leave. As a wizard, he was quite powerful in his own right, but he had no illusions. He didn't stand a chance against the Dark Lord and his followers. He was no doubt being hunted, and the grounds watched for even the smallest sign of Severus leaving the ground's protections. It didn't bother Severus as much as he thought it would, however. He'd always been a bit more of a creature of solitude and it wasn't as though he had been constantly going out anyways - not counting work duties. If he really needed something, he'd just owl order it.

The Headmaster and Deputy Headmistress did, however, have a thing with not leaving him to his solitude. He swore those two would interrupt him on purpose and found some enjoyment in his annoyance.

"You really should eat more."

"Have you been sleeping?"

"If you were a little less harsh with the students you'd make things easier for yourself, Severus."

"Would you like some tea, my boy?"

"Have you read the paper today?"

"How did today's classes go?"

Well, there was nothing to be done for it.

Lily visited fairly often, and she had, apparently, not revealed the recent discoveries to her husband, much more than Severus' role in getting them from the house. There was definitely a wedge between him and Lily now. Yes, they were still amicable, but he knew he'd done some serious damage to Lily's trust, and sometimes those cracks showed themselves clear as day.

It wasn't the first time Severus wished he'd had a time turner.

Potter had said some years back that the bullying was because he'd simply existed. Maybe he'd been right.

His mother would have had things easier. His father, well, he'd be over the moon to never have a wizarding child.

His old schoolmates? The few he had had were all sadists, and now thought him a filthy blood traitor and were no friend to him.

He'd fought and fought to keep his head above water. For what? To screw everything up as usual?

Back when they were younger everything seemed so simple.

Shaking his head, Severus tried to chase those morose thoughts away. Easier said than done.

He'd always been more on the morose side, and the events of late weren't helping.

Well, it taught him one thing. Time really doesn't heal; it just blurs things.

Now, Severus sat under a tree, the very tree that years ago a horrible prank had been pulled on him. The place didn't bother him as much anymore, but he couldn't help but wonder how things could have been different if he'd said something else that day.

Oh well, what was done is done.

"Hello Severus," came a too cheerful voice. There, standing beside was none other than Dumbledore. He was clad in the most disgusting sparkly sky blue robe complete with a large fuzzy rainbow coloured hat that Severus had ever had the misfortune to lay eyes on.

"Headmaster," he drawled, "you're going to blind someone."

"You don't like my sense of fashion?" Dumbledore asked with a slight pout. "Not all of us wear all black."

He rolled his eyes. "Fine, look like a paint explosion."

"Thank you," the Headmaster said, his eyes filled with that damnable twinkle.

"Incorrigible," he muttered under his breath.

"What was that?"

"Nothing, sir."

"Oh, I have a pretty good idea of what you said," the elder wizard said with a chuckle.

"Hmmm." He paused. "I assume you're not here to discuss our fashion choices?"

"Not at all, dear boy," came the reply. Severus tensed slightly. "I was just meaning to ask how you're fairing. Your life has been rather eventful as of late."

"I'm fine."

"You're sure?" Severus received a searching look. "You were looking rather introspective just now."

Why did the Headmaster have to have a knack for being annoyingly insightful? "What's it to you?"

"Am I not allowed to be concerned for the welfare of my staff?"

"I suppose."

"A sickle for your thoughts?"

He thought for a moment. Could he open up to Dumbledore?

So much had happened between them. He did trust Dumbledore to an extent, but he'd also seen a side of Dumbledore that most hadn't.

Even as a schoolboy Dumbledore had made decisions that hadn't sat well with Severus. The way he reacted to that Shrieking Shack incident, for one.

But, he supposed he could kind of understand why. He did have another student to protect.

But it was silly for that student to be there in the first place. The entire debacle should have never transpired.

But then, he  _had_  given Severus a second chance. The Headmaster had given a Death Eater who he had no reason to trust a second chance when nobody else would have. He would have been thrown straight into Azkaban. Likely, without even a trial.

Maybe he could open up a tad?

"I've just, well - I've been thinking about things. There was something that happened right by this tree actually, and it coloured a lot of what transpired thereafter. I keep wondering how my life would be if I'd said or done something different that day. If I hadn't made that mistake."

"You view whatever happened here as a failure of yours?"

"Yes," he admitted after a moment.

"And am I right in assuming this has something to do with a redheaded woman we both know?"

Yes," he said, colour flushing his cheeks.

"Well, forgive an old man for his likely unwanted advice, but when one gets to my age, you see and experience many things. I've learned many things over the decades. One of those things is this - you build on failure. You use it as a stepping stone. Close the door on the past. You don't try to forget the mistakes, but you don't dwell on it. You don't let it have any of your energy, or any of your time, or any of your space."

"Hmmm."

"Another of those things is this - right actions in the future are the best apologies for bad actions in the past."

"What could you have done that was so bad?"

Everyone always said the Headmaster was so great and, sure, Severus knew that the Headmaster wasn't necessarily fair to the Slytherin students, but he couldn't have ever done anything that bad. Could he have? Surely not.

"You'd be surprised. Do you remember what Lily said about Grindelwal?” The Headmaster seemed to reflect for a moment. "We all have dark and light in us, Severus," the Headmaster said wearily. "It's part of being human. We err and try to learn from them and do the best we can. As I've told another student many times, however, despite the dark and light it's the part we choose to act on that is who we really are."

"Than I am evil like everyone always thought."

"It's not as black and white as that, Severus," Dumbledore said with a sigh. "You of all people should know this. Life is more complicated than that."

"I will agree with you on that."

"So, my last piece of advice is this - the only difference between the saint and the sinner is that every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future."

"What are you trying to say?" he inquired with a frown.

"Exactly what I said," the elder wizard said, putting his hand on Severus' shoulder. He flinched. "Choose differently. Do better from now on. It's never too late. Never. We have to live with our choices, yes, but that doesn't mean we can't improve ourselves. Change the paths we walk."

"Do you really believe that?"

"Yes, with everything inside me," was the reply. "I think I've left you with much to think on. I'll let you get back to your musings. However, know this. My door is always open to you. For anything."

"Thank you, sir."

With a quick nod and a small smile aimed at Severus, the Headmaster took his leave.

Severus sighed, and got up off the ground, and brushed off his cloak.

How was he supposed to do this? How was he supposed to change?

How did he even get himself in this much? Why had he made the choices he'd made?

Ugh! His head hurt.

Severus would be the first to advocate for the fact that life wasn't fair, but Merlin knew he wished his was a little less complicated.


End file.
